For a few years now, I have prided myself on being somewhat expert in the art of creating community. My story of moving to Austin as a single mom, working at a corporate gig for five years and emerging to build a business, forge new connections, and refine the depth of authenticity in my friendships and interactions – is one I’m hanging on to as I prepare to move back to the East Coast and attempt to do it all over again. But something has shifted in my world over this last week that has given me pause. More than that in fact – it’s pretty much rocked me to my not-so-rock-solid core and made me want to retreat from the world, my communities, friendships, and much of what I’ve ‘come to know.’
What ‘it’ is, on the face of it, is not so critically important. It can be characterized as a miscommunication, a misalignment, an incongruency – or – a natural evolution in relationships which have served important and specific purposes, whose time came, and went. If I were to share details you’d say “That’s all?” However, I feel the truth of it, that nothing will ever be the same. And as I begin to search for new confidence and belief in whatever lies before me, I am grieving what has passed. And I am learning an important lesson in refining my skills and trusting myself.
I am pretty good at creating community. That story is a true one. It is also true, that I have a 40+ year history of depending on the good opinion of others. To an unhealthy degree. I may have become a little less needy over time, stopped looking over my shoulder for nods of approval, but this isn’t quite done (and may never be completely). As an off-the-charts extrovert I decidedly enjoy the limelight. I bask in the affection of others. And I’m fed on words of validation. Fed, but not nourished.
It is time to return to me. Worthiness, self-love, to my inner Beloved.
The awareness of my malnourished soul has come, in these past days, from a desperate awareness of reaching for all things addictive. I have wanted to eat, drink lots of coffee, alcohol, craved bad television in large doses, and made phone calls to people who I know do not support me fully. I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places.
In a time of transition such as this, it is ok to retreat. So I now choose to retreat into a more warm and loving place. My soul. I’ll return to looking myself in the eye every day and reconnecting with me. To silent meditation. To solitary walks in beautiful nature. To conversations in my journal. And like the caterpillar weaving her cocoon, I will prepare to leave much of what I know, with utter faith that there is beauty in this process yet to be discovered.
