angry_child Last night I was up late, pouring my heart & soul into a post on a private community forum when POOF it was gone from my screen and replaced by a cheery message that network updates were being performed and I could happily come back later. WTF?!?!?!?! It’s moments like this when I become more aware of my inner Pele (Hawaiian Goddess of the volcano, creator and destroyer). A seemingly small disruption and VOOM. Unfortunately for innocent bystanders, this can happen somewhat regularly ~ and since I’m a woman who loves her husband, kids & dog, and prefers to keep them around, I’ve had to find some tools to deal with it. One of my favorite mentor/teachers Regena Thomashauer likes to talk about women who are angry, and she cautions to be wary of the ones who say ‘I’m not angry’ because they’re ones who will cut you in your sleep. So this was me. Enter a minor issue like a computer malfunction, and not only could I take out everyone within shouting distance, but my own disapproval of my actions would then send me into a spiral of despair (losing mommy-of-the-year award, headed for a second divorce, etc.). Somewhere along the way I came into contact with the teachings of Abraham via Esther and Jerry Hicks and a lot of this really resonated. But I still can get easily stumped by the whole idea of ‘choosing a better feeling thought.’ (clue: you gotta practice this when your first thought is somewhat benign, NOT when you’re holding your computer in two hands prepared to smash it to pieces). I another reason this can be hard for me is because women have been taught by example and in our culture, that darkness is bad, nasty stuff. Donna Reed lives on. So choosing a better feeling thought can work… but not if we have eons and decades of stuffing every yucky feeling thought down. It’s like putting a band-aid over a weeping gangrenous war wound (sorry, I grew up looking at medical magazine photos so I enjoy a bit of bloody drama). Last weekend I was in New York with the aforementioned ‘Mama Gena’ and another teacher/mentor Dr. Christiane Northrup who shared a poignant moment in her history with her daughter, my friend Kate Northrup-Moller. Kate had been embarrassed by something her mother did and shut down around her for a short period of time. Later, she was able to understand and share with her mom that is was easier for her to be angry than to be vulnerable. In other words, it was her habit to feel anger, instead of feeling her feeling. This was eye-opening for me, and a great example of how feeling into our anger yields beautiful, life-affirming insights.  We can approve of this ~ anger is the gorgeous, dark manure that nourishes the tree that bears the juicy delicious fruit! So what to do with that anger on the surface?? FEEL it, sister. OWN that poisonous vitriol, and APPROVE of where you are. Don’t expect everyone else to get it… you might want to sequester yourself in a bedroom or closet to keep everyone else safe while you MOVE it through your body, literally. And consider finding the friend(s) who truly hold space for you. Not the one with the opinion, judgment, or the need to coach you every moment. The one who says ‘Hell yeah! I hear you!’ or nothing at all, but ‘Thank you. What else have you got?’  There’s more where that came from, check out Regena’s book (page 50 on ‘spring cleaning’) and stay tuned for an upcoming book circle via teleconference led by me and my friend Dr. Deb Kern. So I’ll be doing this ’cause my blood still boils occasionally (see top of post) and staying involved in a community of practice (I call it ‘The Sisterhood’) – chock full of gals who are space-holding experts, keeps me sane. I’ve been cleaning out my basement over the last year or so with these tools and though my most important relationships are far more loving than they were, I’ve come across some surprise nasty messes I left down there and forgot about years ago. Today I’m eternally grateful for the women in my life I can ask to come hold the bucket for me while I mop. (end of bad metaphor). I hope to meet you in the Sisterhood. Rock on with your BAD self, and Be Well! ~ Maddy