red dress

The other day I saw a Facebook video of a woman dancing ecstatically at a wedding. The bride was not amused. The guest was flitting about in her red dress, careening into guests with eyes closed and a serene smile on her up-tilted face. It was all very amusing until she crashed into a pole holding the tent up and everything came to a crashing halt. Then the bride crawled out from under the tent with a bloody nose. I found the scene funny, shocking, and definitely worth sharing. Someone (ok, my mom) later added the comment ‘Too much pleasure at the expense of others.’
I’m currently in school (for the second time) studying pleasure. Last year while in the program I dutifully did most of the homework and researched pleasure in many ways. This year I’ve figured something out. I’m really uncomfortable with it. In theory it makes complete sense and I’ve devoted hours of my time to promoting the idea to other women. I’m really good with the theory. In practice, it does make a difference, I can feel the change in my blood pressure when I put my attention on the blue sky and not the traffic jam on my way to an appointment I’m late for. Maybe it’s not so much that I’m uncomfortable… but that I disapprove. If I find pleasure in a morning walk, I wonder did I earn it by getting enough work done first? If there’s pleasure in sitting in the sun (getting my vitamin D) for 20 minutes, did I earn it by returning those phone calls? If I find pleasure in a dish of ice cream, is my weight at a level that can tolerate the infraction? When I’m headed out of town (in two days) did I finish my blog post in time (AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!)? See where I’m headed? Pleasure is so often at the end of my to-do list that I rarely get to real acts of intention, or I do them half-assed, um, not present. What if I get sick? Oh yeah…. I REALLY disapprove of that one. ME, the one with a blog called ‘Vibrant One’ who markets the best cellular nutrition products on the market, If I EVER get sick and require a nice long nap…. did I earn the right?
I obviously then disapprove of the amount of pleasure I have in my life! Can you hear it? How f#@*ed up is this never-ending cycle of disapproval? I am laughing as I write this (now), recalling my sweet friend who on the phone with the other day (when I really was sick), listened to me boo-hooing about what a mess I was, how I hadn’t gotten anything done and wasn’t going to amount to anything, ever. She said, ‘Wow, you really are good at disapproving of yourself!’ And a beat later… ‘I wonder what it would be like if you could approve of yourself that much?’
So, I don’t know but I plan to… pleasurably, in my perfect timing, saying when I forget ‘whoops, there I go again!’ with a smile….. Because I desire to LIVE in pleasure. Moment by moment, taking notice and shifting my attention. Because it’s not so much the bride with the bloody nose I have to watch out for, it’s me, the girl in the red dress.
P.S. I totally wanna hear what you think about this. Too much pleasure? At the expense of others? Red dress at a wedding?