This August brought to our family a number of changes and opportunities. It all kicked off with my 40th birthday and a 12 hour drive to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Santa Fe is for me, a mecca nestled in the center of a mystical alternate reality. The colors, smells, sounds, all contribute to a joie de vivre that I find difficult to revive in other places, other frames of mind.

yes

This trip was a birthday gift to ourselves (my husband also turned 40 this year) and a planned vacation with my entire family. As anyone with a family knows – these kinds of visits can hold many mirrors in front of our faces – challenges to the way we see ourselves – unavoidable glimpses of how we are seen by others. Not to mention the various judgments we heap upon our loved ones as well.
The ups and downs of this visit with my family were punctuated by the death of my mother-in-law. She had lived with multiple sclerosis for many years and had been emerging from a period of difficult health in June. No one was prepared for her to leave so quickly. And so my husband had the surreal experience of being on vacation with us, leaving to be at his mother’s bedside and attend her funeral, and then return to my family for several days before our long drive back to Austin.

On our drives we usually talk about ‘big stuff’, and given the events of the previous weeks, this drive home was no exception. We had just listened to a personal development recording and were discussing its merits, when I was suddenly struck with how strong my internal conflict was. On the one hand I was inspired by the speakers and the stories shared, almost to the point of showing some outward emotion – like a smile, or tears. On the other, I resisted that emotion…. my mental conditioning preventing me from doing so as I conducted an assessment of what I had heard. It seemed important to verify the quality of the information intellectually, and so, to display any emotion would be unwise, childish. I was labeling myself a “sap.” But after a while, I asked my husband “why not?” and “what if?” I told him that at this point in my life’s journey – I was ready to accept my more visceral response – my “Yes,” and perhaps to discard my “No”. Certainly 40 years of experience have taught me that intuitive guidance has always brought me more joy and success in life than the years of study, discipline and ‘reasonable’ responses have.

Several days later I had the opportunity to be tested on this idea again. I was attending a training event for a business partner. The arena was full of people, and my hackles were up. The music was overdone, there were dancers, there was a man reciting mediocre poetry. The entirety of my liberal arts education got in front of me saying, “how cheesy, what low-caliber, good luck sitting through this drivel…” And I felt it in my body – the tight stomach, the impending headache, my shoulders were raised up to my ears. And then I remembered. “Oh. Right.” And I made a choice. I breathed deeply, filling my abdominals and exhaled slowly. I relaxed my tensed shoulders. I closed my eyes and said, Yes. I am open. Yes. I can learn. Yes. I feel this too. Yes. The decision “Yes” in that moment led to a memorable experience and even new friendships. It has opened a wide avenue down which my life’s path will travel, one which I might never have seen.

“Yes” also opens space from which to view the past. To remember to forgive, to heal, and to begin anew. I am taking “Yes” into my September, into the autumn and winter of 2008, and I intend to make it my companion for the next 40 years of this life, at least. Won’t you join me? The weather is fine.